Today was no fun. Panic attacks and shopping were the worst aspect of my day, I was in an awfully bad mood afterwards. Hating how I look and being forced to shop for workout clothing, hmmm not the best combination. I ended up leaving the store with nothing and going home to the safety of my room just to cry. I was honestly so angry at myself because it has to be my fault since the medication has to be working, right? Oh so very wrong. The medication is definitely not working, Im using all my strategies to ward off panic attacks like a demonic possession; it hasn’t worked. My psychologist tells me I’m just not trying hard enough, fuck you and fuck this. This isn’t my fault is what I keep reminding myself, I didn’t choose to be like this; this is not my fault. I’m trying my absolute hardest and that’s all you can ask from someone with no motivation, is for them to put what little energy they have left into recovery and that is exactly what I do.