Housebound:

(This is a piece of writing I wrote when I was 14, it is my attempt at trying to explain what my experience with anxiety is like. This is unedited and completely from my 14 year old mind, this is piece of writing is now 3 years old but it still relates to how I feel. I hope you like it.)

Early morning sun hits like any other day and glares bounce on powder white curtains hitting the empty space. The dull white walls that trap me inside collide with rusted white doors that is my wardrobe and the bed scattered with jet black sheets unmade for days. The tattered carpet ruff beneath my feet but i still find comfort. A sparkling glass desk holds papers and books open on written pages. Pops of colour in the far edges, blue and green completes my contemporary space, my needed safe zone.

They cross my mind forcing me to double take my actions, moving they leave as fast as they have arrived and all appears normal. Food, water and books, necessities needed to survive the challenges lying ahead as storm clouds form around my head. They come back to keep me safe as pressure builds in my chest intensifying with every forced movement, looming over waiting for the moment to strike.

Eating their needed breakfast they drain my energy like a water tank in a drought. I am empty. As I slowly walk to the dreaded outside, my body is going into overload, tiny pins attempt to escape my inclosed chest. Pressure heightens my head which feels it’s about to implode, I long for them to stop. No longer in control I am on the ground, no longer believing i can win as i am down, twisted knots keeping me there. In every direction that they pull at me, I try to leave. This is not the way i want to go.

Suddenly it is calm, aware it is not over, only that I am in the eye of the storm. The sunlight glares upon my pale battered legs and air is heavy, pulling myself out the dreaded red door, I'm met with a pound to my head. I know they will return to torment me till they win. They destroy all i control, they knock me hard, I no longer want to leave but remain frozen still in the safe zone of my room. My thoughts have won.

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