I was feeling like I was finally moving forward, like recovery and happiness was just out of reach. I was exercising, going to school and most importantly I was leaving the house after so long of being bound by the four walls I call my bedroom. Turns out I was grasping at the air, there was nothing in front of me except a mountain that is impossible to climb. I call that mountain depression.
I often read that depression is like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing; I disagree. To me depression is like having every thought you've ever had turn to bricks, then the people around you place these bricks on your chest paralysing you to the ground. The pain is there at first but eventually you become numb, the pain becomes normal. When you think you can manage to live this way, someone then slowly pours cement over every inch of your body; no matter how much you keep screaming "I'm alive! I'm alive" they don't stop. You have short space of time before the cement turns to concrete but all those bricks on your chest and the sinking feeling all around your body; you have no energy to fight so you lay silently hoping someone helps. Once the cement is concrete there is no turning back, trying to escape this is like hitting a building with a feather then expecting the building to crumble.
I am a fool to think that I could possible escape now when I have been in my concrete slab for three years, with every attempt to break away from the hardened cement has never worked so why would it work now? I am going to learn to live within my concrete slab or I will die trying.